Feelings

Originally published on Nov. 11th, 2008

I can still remember taking pregnancy tests almost monthly for the 18 months before we found out that I would have to have a little surgery to conceive. In the beginning, I was still in mixed emotions, was I sad or relieved that the test was negative. I really wasn’t sure. We were newlyweds but not spring chickens so I was not sure how to feel.

Towards the end of those 18 months it was definitely sadness. There were months that I just knew I was pregnant. Of course, I would learn conceiving then was impossible but until I knew that the hope was there.

Then I hit a stretch where I stopped being able to visualize myself as a Mother. I could no longer see a growing family in my minds eye. That was scary. For as long as I can remember I had planned on some day being a Mom. Even after we found the problem and had hopefully fixed it, I still found myself burdoned with these huge doubts that pregnancy would happen. Of course it did and I now have a beautiful, happy, smart, wonderful, energetic toddler in my life.

I bring this up because now I am kind of there again. On Monday I am to take a pregnancy test. I do want to be pregnant, I want to give Hunter a sibling, I want my family to grow. I know that the sadness if it is negative will not be the same because I do have Hunter but I know that it will be there. However, this time around I not only have the wonderful Husband to help me, I have a wonderful son as well…